As someone that regularly speaks on race and religion (somehow politics seems to sneak its way in too), I often find myself facilitating very polarized arguments. Our society is increasingly embracing the opposite of James 1:19 and instead embracing stubbornness in listening to others, and quickness in getting angry. In the middle of these discussions, I quickly realized that either I needed a new profession (because fueling arguments and polarization is unhelpful) or I needed to develop healthy ways to lead groups through sensitive topics.

So, early in this work I decided to make two promises to any group I work with:

1. “This is a safe space”

This is a setting where you can say the hard things. When dealing with sensitive topics, there are often questions we want to ask, but we don’t know what or who to ask. I promise groups that they can ask me anything… anything! Also, I tell participants that they can state any belief as long as it is communicated respectfully.

2. “You cannot offend me”

I set the tone here. I make a promise that I will not be offended. Even If I completely disagree with what is being said, I will practice patience, respect, and curiosity. In 3 Ways to Disagree Well I explain the need to focus on relationships and mutual understanding. Leading with this sense of deference has allowed me to win many folks as friends even though we still disagree. Being unoffendable makes the person more important than the discussion topic.

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Establishing this dynamic with any individual or group sets the foundation for productive and healthy conversations. Can you think of a personal situation where hearing this at the outset would have yielded a better outcome?

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